What is my obsession?

Hot damn my brainmeats just don't want to work these days... I feel like I've lost all creativity and thought and damn nothing seems to just stick anymore. I was smart once - quick-witted and intelligent with a biting sense of sarcasm and vocabulary.

Adulthood and psych medications have made me dull and dim and dumb - slow on the uptake for damn near everything.

I don't know how to communicate anymore. Performance anxiety has me like woah and it's all I can do not to yak on my shoes and run the fuck away when I'm put in the spotlight.

Music speaks to me but I've lost that spark to make it. But listening calms me - I'll keep doing some of that.

Art can be fun but it's tedious and rage-inducing when it doesn't go as planned. How the hell do those painters pull off the intricacies of their minis anyway... voodoo magic and mad skillz that I just don't have the patience for.

I'm tired of an empty head - the quiet distresses me.

2020 Writing Prompts

I need a little inspiration perhaps... a kick in the pants to get off my ass and do something with myself rather than sit around watching bullshit TV feeling sorry for my life and how I got here. I was reminded today that I once wanted to be a writer, something I haven't really thought about for a very long time. The usual hemming and hawing about why I can't or shouldn't or what stopped me in the past, blah blah blah.. but fuck it. Even though this blog, started with the very same intent no less, has lain dormant for well over a year, I'm going to kick start it back up again and try a writing prompt a day for 2020. Who knows what may come of it, if anything.... who cares.... 

Why I know this will fail: I never follow through with anything and my self criticism is far too high for my mental stamina to keep up. Even now as I write this I find my attention wandering and my hesitation growing with each new word formed. The backspace has cleared out so many failed sentences already.... But if it fails so what. That's not the point of the exercise. What even is the point? Fuck if I know...

Whatever the case, that's the plan. One random-assed prompt at a time. I'll do a trial-run this coming week and see where it goes. Any bets how long it lasts?

Zombies, Parasites, and Chocolate Milk...

It's nearly 2am and I can't get back to sleep: it's one of the hazards of working a cushy desk job with on-call hours. At least I can work in my pajamas some days, but the midnight calls when you're trying to fix your sleep schedule for both physical and mental health gets.. tiresome. So, here I am, rather than tossing and turning and staring at the ceiling for hours on end, I'm rambling into the vast blankness of the interwebs about nothing in particular. Have to keep the brain meats occupied, lest they eat themselves and plead for more. Brrraaaaaiiiiinnnsssssss....

Zombies. Scary in concept, but make no sense theoretically. Meats decay, as evidenced by the walking dead's progressively decaying... 'walking dead'. Brains are made of meat. Destroying said brains kills zombies. Wouldn't the brain meat decay enough that the zombies would just die off anyway? How would that even work? Best not think too much of these things I suppose... but with a decayed digestive system how in the world would zombies even eat people to replenish their brain meats? Why even eat people?

Cannibals. No... lets not go there. I used to be fascinated by folks like Dahmer and other such cannibal serial killers, but in a 'woah people are really fucked up' sort of way, not a 'oh this is cool' kind of thing. People are gross and full of diseases and parasites, lets not eat them please.

Parasites. Never had any that I know of personally, but man there are some gross stories out there. Most deadly parasite in the world? Probably humans... what with all of the consumption and destroying of habitats and the like. Feeding off of their host planet until it dies and they have to go off and find a new unfortunate host. Maybe that's what happened to Mars and we're just sending Earth off in that path... (I know, I know.. that's completely unscientific, but it makes for great mind material at two in the morning).

Humans. Mean well on the whole, but can't get out of our own damned way. We're currently being led by the dumb and greedy... why does that happen so goddamned often? And it's not like it's just an American thing - this seems to be a worldwide epidemic happening. We parasites have become a full blown infection and no one has the antibiotics strong enough to put a stopper on it before it gets even worse. The future looks bleak, but at least for now there's chocolate milk and the internet. Good night.

Sleep is a helluva thing...

It seems like such a simple thing, sleep. Everyone does it, the body (in most cases at least) comes by it naturally. Most people don’t think too hard about sleep except when they start to feel tired and are winding down at the end of a long day. Sleep is probably the number one most important thing, along with eating well and moving once in a while, you can do to improve your well-being. And yet – many of us don’t seem to get nearly enough of it.

I’m one to talk – in the last two days I’ve gotten a total of maybe 9 hours of crummy sleep, and it shows in my mood and lackluster enthusiasm for getting up and doing the things. Having a healthy sleep schedule is definitely something I need to work on, but often insomnia wins out and the sheep just keep jumping the fence. Part of that is my own fault: I spend way too much time staying up late doing things like shooting gangsters in RDR2 and arguing petty things on the internets. Biology plays a bit of a role in that too, but I’m not helping myself by my inconsistencies. It’s a goal of mine to re-train myself to shut down at a decent hour every night.

I’ve noticed also that when I finally do get a decent amount of sleep, after a longish period of deprivation, my dreams get WHACKED! Sometimes they’re full of fun and hilarity, but more often than not they could give Wes Craven and John Carpenter a run for their money in the horror flick department. The last one involved running around a decrepit warehouse fighting giant rat-sized alien slugs that spit acid in your eyes for reproduction purposes – acid which slowly liquified your body and kept you alive until the very last bit of you reduced to a puddle of human flesh-jelly. Brains are wacky, man…

But I digress. The world would probably be a much happier, healthier, more productive place if we all would just get enough good sleep. Speaking of, it’s almost time for my lunchtime siesta! Off to snoozeville.

Out of the ashes....

It's been about a bazillion years since I last logged onto Blogger. Back then were the days of MySpace and LiveJournal, and all of those other pre-Facebook, pre-Google-owns-everything things that people did to be creative and wind down, and be social. The internet was like the wild west, fresh and new for discovery, and full of infective dangers in the form of trojans and worms and all sorts of other hackery things.

These days the internet has been carved and shaped into a corporate mess of bland suburbanite-esque monstrosities designed to part you from your money, make you think you have friends while keeping you in a mild-to-severe depressive state (so you can buy more things to feel 'happy'), and to make you think that "Yes! You too can become an internet star!" The viruses and hackery things are still there, but more sophisticated, and these days more apt to steal your personal data for corporate use rather than render your computer useless.

So, maybe I'm a bit of a cynic, but times have changed and I'm not so sure it's for the better. Perhaps a quick dip in the nostalgia pool of Blogger will bring back some of the feels of the old days, and give a bit of a place of refuge from the brain-rot of Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and the occasional News story built to scare and depress for hits. A place to be creative and write, and lance the pustules growing in my brain meats.

Perhaps no one will read this. Perhaps no one should. Does it matter? Not in the least...